Frequent Questions
QUESTIONS
Here are some frequent questions about Solutions for Couples. If your question is not answered below, please contact me and I'll be happy to tell you more.
How is Solutions for Couples different from Couples Counseling? Is this just for married couples. Can Unmarried couples benefit from this? Can you give me examples of how this process works? Why couldn't we just brainstorm on our own? What are issues that can be dealt with in mediation? How can I convince my partner to go to mediation? Do you give advice? Is this process confidential? What training have you had? Are you an attorney? How much does this cost?
How isSolutions for Couples different from Couples Counseling?
Solutions for Couples is forward thinking and works from the perspective of "from now on". Counseling will often delve into your past before going forward.
Counseling is a therapeutic process by which you sit with a trained and certified psychologist or counselor and talk about your feelings as it relates to what is not working with your partner and your relationship. The counselor will help you to deal with those feelings and work through the problems. Counseling tends to go deeper into each person to see what might be underneath the surface that is causing the problems to persist. It will often deal with your past and how it is affecting your life currently. It is a great process and very helpful if that is what you need. I can give you referrals if that is what appears to be necessary.
Solutions for Couples deals more with issues than feelings. We will work on strategic solutions to specific problems. It will be a focused, facilitated session geared toward coming up with here-and-now answers to ongoing friction points. The focus is on agreed upon solutions, not on each other. The idea isn't to face each other and blame the other person for the problem. We will work together and write down solutions to problems. Since you both care about each other and want to stay together, then the brainstorming is about solutions to stay together, not about how the other person is a problem. Feelings and emotions are not avoided entirely and both sides will be able to hear the concerns of the other side. You can think of Solutions for Couples as being similar to sitting with a CPA to help you do your taxes. You might be able to get your taxes done on your own, but you are far more likely to get it done right with a professional checking your work and keeping you accurate.
What keeps the process moving and quicker than other methods is that we will stay on track by not allowing the participants to go over the same issues obsessively in a circular fashion without end. It is a linear process with a beginning and end point. We will keep the outcome realistic and not based on a fantasy of either side. The idea is that it is better to have a good relationship rather than an unachievable one.
Below is a table that shows some of the main differences between Solutions for Couples Family Mediation and couples counseling:
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Usually 1 or 2 sessions per specified issue |
Can be ongoing depending on the needs and desires of the couple |
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Always future oriented |
May explore past as well as future |
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Feelings are acknowledged and not ignored, but they are not explored in depth |
Feelings may be examined in depth to see what is underneath and driving current conflicts |
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No diagnosis of mental health conditions is done |
A diagnosis is sometimes sought and given for insurance purposes and for therapeutic understanding |
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The practitioner is a neutral Rule 31 Family Mediator |
The practitioner is usually a Psychologist or Counselor, who may take an advisory role |
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Mediation is a structured process that is explained at the beginning and often followed the same with each couple |
Counseling is a process that is less structured and may change for each couple |
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The goal and outcome is a clear actionable written agreement or plan between the people |
The outcome is a greater understanding of the people involved in order to improve the relationship |
Is this just for married couples. Can Unmarried couples benefit from this?
Absolutely, unmarried couples can benefit from this process. In fact, it would be a very good idea to get some issues (and potential issues) worked out before you get married or plan a long term relationship. If couples have never lived together or they are living together and noticing some problems coming up, they can go a long way toward stopping problems before they take root and grow.
Can you give me examples of how this process works?
I will give you a smaller example, then a bigger one. These are examples of how a solution works better than trying to get to the bottom of the feelings that get triggered.
EXAMPLE 1
Both the husband and the wife work hard and they have tried to save money toward a secure retirement. The husband has big ideas and likes to spend money to try out his ideas in the hopes that something will pay off well, which will allow them to add quicker to their retirement. Unfortunately this has brought the couple into a place of high credit card bills and a strain on their relationship. He feels she is trying to stop his creative spirit and she feels he is always leaving their finances in a more insecure place. She prefers to build retirement more slowly and securely. When they discuss it themselves, they just end up arguing and hurt.In a session of Solutions for Couples, both parties are allowed to be “heard” and their hopes and concerns are expressed. Then we move quickly into facilitated brainstorming that is not allowed to get off track by emotions that may come up. Fairly quickly, the couple is able to find the magic middle place that yields a result such as “Ideas on a Budget” where the husband can still try 1 big idea per year based on a fixed budget that is not exceeded. Both parties end up feeling like their concerns were acknowledged and no one was shut down or hurt by the experience.
This process is different than counseling, because it is always future oriented. Emotions and hurts from the past are acknowledged, but not allowed to be a repeating part of the process to find solutions. If it is determined that counseling is needed, I can give referrals to good counselors. Solutions for Couples is not about changing the other person. It is a way to manage conflict, which is a natural part of all relationships. We just all occasionally need a little help keeping solutions (not emotions) as the focus.
EXAMPLE 2
A couple is very seriously considering a move to a new town. They own a house where they live now and the contentious issue is whether they should sell or rent the current house. The husband wants to sell and be clear of the resonsibilities of renting the house and use the money to get something nice in the new town. The wife wants to keep the current house and rent it out, because she isn't ready to cut all ties to the town and wants the possibility of easily moving back if it doesn't work out in the new town.
The discussion could easily deteriorate into both sides feeling that their important needs are not adequately considered and big fights lead to even the possibility that they don't have a future together. Their ideas and brainstorming end with more fights, because feelings get triggered and they can't get to a good place.
After a solutions for couples session, with the mediator making sure that triggered feelings are dealt with, the couple is able to get to an agreement that they will rent their house for a one year lease, then make a firm decision at that time to sell or move back.
What is found out in focused mediation is that the open ended nature was deeply troubling both sides. Selling the house meant a permanent move to the wife. Not selling the house and without a firm decision date made the husband feel it could go on for many years without being able to get the nicer house and move permanently.
This solution might make both of them a little bit uncomfortable, but both of their needs have been addressed and there is a firm agreement on when it will be decided. And also, a slightly uncomfortable agreement is much better than the pain of not working it out and possibly breaking up.
Both examples are possible, because the mediator has kept things moving in a productive way without letting too much time get spent on the emotions. Solutions are possible when emotions are minimized.
Why couldn't we just brainstorm on our own?
If you can, great. Many couples in crisis find that when they start throwing out ideas and solutions the other person becomes "triggered", because the solution doesn't work with their needs and the other person may not feel that they were considering enough in the equation. The couples unassisted brainstorming session then can quickly deteriorate. With a trained mediator, the trigger gets neutralized quickly and the brainstorming can continue, because the mediator is making sure that the interests and needs of both sides are equally considered.
What are issues that can be dealt with in mediation?
Almost everything can be addressed in a mediated session. Here are some example issues that couples often need help to work out:
- Household chores if both work
- Money issues
- Raising children
- Whether to have children and when
- Which school or college to send your child to
- Moving to a new town
- Living together issues
- Which church to go to
- Nights out with others (He with the guys, she with the girls)
- Annoying behaviors
- Anything that is causing your relationship to begin to derail
You will make a facilitated agreement on how the issues will be handled from now on. I will not be giving you advice as much as helping you generate options on how to handle things. You will always have the final say on how the agreements turn out.
How can I convince my partner to go to mediation?
Many partners, especially men, find it difficult to get used to the idea of going to couples counseling or therapy. They may worry that they are going to be asked to change things that are really important to them or that lots of feelings are going to be discussed or they are going to be forced to "work" on their relationship endlessly. So if you approach the hesitant person by showing them this website and explaining that this is a process by which solutions rather than feelings are the focus, you are more likely to have someone become interested.
Some people will bring up the idea of couples counseling and find great resistance from the other partner. If this happens to you, you can tell them that there is now an alternative called Mediation for Couples, which is not counseling at all, but a process by which problems are worked out quickly, inexpensively and with less emotions.
Mediation for Couples is much more like working on a family project with a professional rather than counseling. It is also less expensive and you can always go to counseling if you both feel it is a good idea.
My role is a facilitator and I remain neutral throughout the process. I may push you to come up with more ideas and I may do what is called "reality testing" whereby I remind you of what might happen if you don't resolve certain problems, but my goal is always to get you to come up with the answers. Agreements are more durable when the solution is from you.
I won't be just sitting there, though. There is a process by which I will keep things moving in a way that you could not do by yourself. I won't allow the same stories to be told repeatedly and I won't allow hurtful remarks to be a part of the discussion and I won't allow one side to dominate. These are some of the reasons that this process works better than unassisted couples trying to work things out.
Yes, completely. I am a Rule 31 mediator, which means the Administrative Office of the Courts in Tennessee has looked over my qualifications and determined that I can do court referred mediations. All Rule 31 mediators are bound by ethical and confidentiality guidelines. You can read about it here.
Confidentiality assures that you can talk about anything in a mediation and it stays there and is not discussed outside.
What training have you had? Are you an attorney
I have a Masters Degree in Conflict Management from Lipscomb University. I am also a Tennessee Supreme Court Approved Rule 31 Family Mediator. You can see all my education, training and certifications here.
I am not an attorney. In many ways, I feel that this has helped me to think less legally and more compassionately. Not that attorneys are not compassionate and many attorneys become great mediators. It is just that their training often focuses more on advocacy for one side and the legal implications. I have interned with two law firms, including a divorce attorney/mediator, and have some legal knowledge, but my training at the Institute for Conflict Management is much more on being a faciliator and being neutral, so I am able to step back and help both sides equally.
Each couple is different, but I can tell you that one or two issues can usually be worked out in one session of 2 to 3 hours in length. For a limited time, I will be offering the 2 hour session for $225 and a 3 hour session for $350. Current regular rates are at $125 per hour. Compare that to weeks or months of counseling. Also think of the eventual cost of ignoring the problem and going through a break up or divorce and you can see the savings add up. And I will even give you a guarantee, if we go through a 2 hour session and do not get one issue worked out, there will be no charge for the session. Again, this is for a limited time, so please contact me soon. Also, sliding scale fees can be considered in cases of financial hardship.
Get in touch with me today to get your relationship back on track.
so far this year.
